Better Scares Come in Pairs, Part 2

Last week, I gave some examples how Hollywood could revitalize its horror genre by having more cross-over films involving scary movie characters, like Freddy vs. Jason (an extremely imaginative way to resurrect two dead-tired characters - Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street and Vorhees from Friday The 13th fame).

It was such a scream coming up with some new blood to add to the horror cross-overs, I decided to add a few more to the list. Here are 10 more big-screen ideas that Hollywood should hook up:

Firestarter vs. The Ring girl - It all starts out innocently at Perkins, where the Ring girl has just finished coloring her placemat with crayons while awaiting her breakfast. Firestarter is jealous because the Ring girl didn't go outside the lines once, and she also successfully completed the maze on the first try, so she torches the Ring girl's placemat. Later, while the Ring girl is bent over in the wishing well trying to fetch a cheap plastic toy, Firestarter pushes her into the well. No one, not her parents or even the Perkins manager, notices for 20 years. Firestarter, now grown-up and banging musicians, watches a weird video she got from Blockbuster and then gets a phone call that she'll be dead in 7 days. Firestarter spontaneously combusts and burns her house down, also killing the Ring girl, who was calling from the basement.

Mr. Hyde vs. Mothman - The Mothman originally is seen by hundreds and seems to be warning various people about an impending disaster. But then the messages stop because some lady left her porch light on all night. The Mothman flies around it psychotically for 7 hours and ends up so dizzy he lands on the side of the house to rest. Unfortunately, it is the Dr. Jekyll residence and the doctor turns into Hyde just as he walks outside to grab his morning newspaper. Hyde sees Mothman on the wall, rolls up the newspaper and pancakes the Mothman's ass.

Frankenstein vs. Halloween's Michael Myers - Myers tries to track down Frankenstein for more of a thrill kill challenge. He thinks he finds him living with Tonto and Tarzan. It is a total misunderstanding because Frankenstein, Tonto and Tarzan are actually all Saturday Night Live players who think they just buzzed in co-star Mike Myers to rehearse a skit. Once inside, the Halloween Myers tries to start his killing spree until the SNL Myers shows up dressed up as Linda from Coffee Talk. At this point, Dr. Sam Loomis bursts into the room and takes both Myers into custody just to be safe.

Phantom of the Opera vs. Ron Pearlman's Beast - This should have been an interesting showdown with a great soundtrack, but the music is cut short fairly quickly. It all starts when the Beast confides in the Phantom how pussy whipped he is over beauty Linda Hamilton. The Phantom is so overwhelmed by the smutty details of Beast's love story, he starts diddling on his organ. When Beast realizes the Phantom isn't pounding on his keyboard, he is so disgusted, he kills him with a piano bench.

The Shining guy vs. Psycho Norman Bates - The Shining guy decides to vacation at the remote Bates Hotel. Bates waits for the Shining guy to take a shower so he can knife the shit out of him. The Shining guy goes insane before cleaning up, and decides to chop through Mother's door with an axe. Norman tries to change into his mother's old lady killing clothes, but he can't get his girdle clasped correctly and his nylons get stuck, leaving him easy prey for the Jack attack.

Maximum Overdrive machines vs. I Know What You Did Last Summer guy - It all starts when the dude in the rain slicker gets mowed down by a car on a lonely, winding stretch of road. He waits for a group of teenagers to try and cover up the crime by dumping his body, triggering a new killing spree. But he's just left on the shoulder like a roadkilled raccoon. When he gets up, he sees there are about 50 vehicles patiently waiting to run over his sorry ass again, led by that Joker semi.

Headless Horseman vs. Pinhead from Hellraiser - Pinhead taunts the Horseman, telling him he should ride sidesaddle and asking if he just got a haircut. The horseman covets Pinhead's head, even though it resembles a big-ass pin cushion. The horseman eventually decapitates Pinhead, but pricks his finger while trying to retrieve the head. While the horseman looks for a band-aid, Pinhead's body steals the horse. When the horseman tries on his new noggin, he realizes he looks like less of a jackass using a carved pumpkin for his melon rather than looking like he is undergoing radical acupuncture treatment.

Chucky vs. Snuggle Bear (after burial in Pet Semetary) - The Snuggle Bear is tragically killed when he is accidentally tossed in the dryer during a fabric softener commercial. The director decides to bury the Snuggle Bear in a local Pet Semetary despite warnings from a creepy old fart that it is near an ancient indian burial ground. Chucky auditions for the part as the new Snuggle mascot, hoping it will lead to him getting a real human body. Eventually, the Snuggle Bear returns from the grave with a case of supernatural rabies and rips Chucky to shreds.

Creepy hillbillies vs. Zombies - The Night of the Living Dead zombies take a Wrong Turn and end up wandering into the West Virginia "hills," where they are frightened to hear constant dueling banjos music. "You got a purty decomposing face," a hillbilly voice calls out to a zombie. The hillbillies quickly kill most of the zombies except the ones that are deceased relatives, who they marry (again).

Beetlejuice vs. Bat Boy -The Weekly World News calls Beetlejuice for help to rid their newsroom of their most famous cover story material. Editors grew tired of Bat Boy buzzing them near the water cooler, and hanging upside down from the ceiling while demanding all the lights be turned off. Beetlejuice tries all of his creepy antics to spook Bat Boy away, but ends up using a tennis racket and a fishing net to capture him.