Don't duck the question

For the first time ever yesterday, I called a Chinese restaurant without the intention of ordering food. I just needed to have a nagging question finally answered.

What the fuck is mock duck?

I saw it on a takeout menu and have been wondering what it really is. Mock duck? Does that mean it's a fake duck? Is this a fancy way to say pigeon?

"I have no idea," my wife admitted. "Who cares? It probably tastes like chicken anyway."

That answer was amusing, but it didn't satisfy the reporter in me. One thing was almost certain: It couldn't be a rubber duck because they are not edible. With the Minnesota Vikings game over, now I could focus my full attention on getting to the bottom of what mock duck actually is. I've had real duck. It's really good. Mock duck doesn't sound very tasty.

My definition of mock duck? When Elton John would dress up in those ridiculous outfits for concerts in the 1970s. But I doubt the restaurant was serving him with sticky rice.

It was time to get some answers, so I decided to call the phone number right on the take-out menu. A peppy young lady answered the phone.

"Hello, can I take order?"

Me: "I'm not sure yet. Maybe you can help me decide. What exactly is mock duck?"

"It cheap."

Me: "No, I don't need to know how much it costs. I was wondering what it is. The name makes it sound like fake duck? So, is it a chicken who liked to swim once in a while?"

"No, I told you it cheap."

Me: "What? A cheap duck? Do you mean a seagull?"

"You crazy."

Me: "I'm crazy? You're serving something called mock duck. If you can go to a nice place and get duck under glass, what do you serve mock duck under? Plexiglass? And you still haven't told me what type of bird the cheap duck is."

"No, cheap. Like goat with no horn. Cheap. Baa-baa. Baby cheap."

Me: "Oh, you mean sheep. I got you now. You mean it's lamb? So it's not even a bird?"

"No duck. It baby cheap."

Me: "If it's lamb, why the heck do you call it mock dock?"

"When cheap meat get cut, it look like duck."

Me: "And they call it mock dock because of that?"

"Yes."

Me: "If you actually served duck would you cut the meat to look like sheep and then call it SPAM lamb?"

"I not sure. Maybe. You like try order of mock duck?"

Me: "I'm going to have to think about it. I will call you back."

I never did. Now a different question was stuck in my head. What the hell is mock crab? I suppose that's a piece of cut fish that looks like the shape of a damn crab. Well, I don't plan on calling a seafood joint to find out for sure. And I sure as hell am not going to ask a pharmacist what mock crabs are as his explanation would probably make me lose my appettite. Although he probably has some kind of mock shampoo that would clear it all up in a few days.