Thursday, June 30, 2005

July Quotes & Police Calls of the Week

Quotes of the Week
"Have you ever seen ant shit? That's the size of a hummingbird egg." -- Kenny, the birder.

"Ellie, you shouldn't ever kick sharks in the nuts." -- Grandpa Kenny, scolding his little 4-year-old granddaughter after she buried her right foot in the groin of Sharky, mascot of the Mall Of America's Underwater Adventures Aquarium.

Police Calls of the Week
May 30: Lewd and lascivious. Two 34-year-old Burlington women were warned when they were found topless in the back seat of a car in the 100 block of E. Washington St. When an officer asked the women why they were naked, one answered, "We're not naked, just topless."

June 20: Strange incident. Somebody knocked on the door of an apartment in the 1000 block of Westbrooke Way and left a box containing a large stuffed horse. Police checked the horse and discarded it.

Saturday, June 18, 2005


I’m no Miss Cleo, but I do consider myself quite the ass-trologer. Most of my vision would be beneficial to the working girl.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) – You will ball twins and get paid double for your trouble.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) – You will get some guy to come out of his shell for $200, then go to the pharmacy to get medication for crabs.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Some lion tamers will make you the middle of a Sigfried and Roy sandwich, then pay you a magical amount.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Your hymen will finally get busted. Look on the bright side: At least you’ll get paid for it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – The scales of justice are not leaning your way. Chances of getting busted by the vice squad are very high. Watch out for cops!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You’ll get pricked by a stinger for a stash of cash.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Don’t act like such a horse’s ass if you want to attract ritzier Johns.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Some say goats will eat anything. You will screw anything as long as you get paid for it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You are known as the zodiac’s humanitarian, but don’t give it up for free or your pimp will bitch-slap you. Be a cheap whore and offer a discount instead.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – There are plenty of fish in the sea. To catch them, wear leather and 6-inch heels for bait. Let the feeding frenzy begin.

Aries (March 21-April 19) – You will get rammed, and then get rewarded.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You will grab a bull by the horn, then find out where the beef is.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Stamp Collection

I've never known a Subway as a mode of transportation. It's always been a sandwich place to me.

"Taking the Subway" has been a quick, convenient meal hundreds of times. But unlike Jared, the 435-pound geek turned 190-pound geek thanks to deep-throating 12 inches twice a day the last 7 years (makes you wonder if he's getting the itch to start going to Quiznos), I never lost any weight eating their subs. The only things I lost on my Subway diet were 3 shirts due to heavy honey mustard stains. In addition, I gained about 100 pounds in the last 15 years and have amassed a staggering Subway stamp collection.

Some skinny pricks wonder if Subway is solely to blame for my lard-assedness. What about McDonald's, Burger King, Hardees, Wendy's, Arby's, KFC, Taco Bell, Taco John's, Pizza Hut, Domino's Pizza, etc. Shouldn't they share the blame, too? I'm not about to join a class-action lawsuit like those tobacco freaks. They didn't know it was bad for them? What exactly were they smokin'?

I don't need a warning label on a 12-inch sub loaded with 4 different kinds of meat, a quarter pound of cheese, and a pint of mayo. I already know it's going to kill me before it hits my lips. The only thing I do worry about is if a footlong smoked ham and a bag of mesquite smoked BBQ potato chips are harmful to my lungs, especially when I inhale the whole .33 yards in about 2 minutes. If it is, maybe I'll join a class-action lawsuit against smokers (not the ones who use cigarettes, but the ones who smoke sides of bacon).

Am I bitter that my Subway addiction has probably peeled 10 years off my life expectancy? Hell, no! I'm pissed at Subway for 2 other reasons.

Number one, they are discontinuing their stamp program effective July 1. They are no longer giving out stamps and they will not honor redeeming stamps for free subs after June 30. Consider this your PSA, if you didn't already know.

Why? Apparently some crazy fuckers got bored making funny money and have been counterfieting stamps to snag free subs. And I thought I had a Subway problem!

Anyway, now I have to hurry up and redeem my stamp collection before it's worthless. This is a huge problem, as I have stockpiled more stamps than my local post office branch. If my Subway stamps were Green Stamps, I could buy Bill Gates' house. My wife says I'm exaggerating the number and that my stamp collection would only net 26 feet of free subs.

Whatever the number, I didn't get those stamps the pussy counterfieter way. I had to eat 208 feet of sandwiches to earn those sub stamps! Licking the 416 stamps and putting them on the little cards was quite a meal in itself, and would have even worn out Jenna Jameson's tongue.

It's going to be tough to stuff 26 footlong Subways in my belly between now and June 30, but I'm up to the challenge. If that runty Japanese guy can eat 50 hot dogs in The Glutton Bowl, I can eat 26 feet of subs in two weeks.

An even bigger concern, one of my female co-workers will no longer be bringing subs into the break room. "Six inches has never been a problem with me," she usually starts out bragging, oblivious that my mind is totally submerged in the gutter. "I can almost fit the whole thing in my mouth. But 12 inches is another story! I have to really work to cram one that big into my mouth!"

My second issue with Subway: Why is Jared still the Subway spokesperson? Isn't it time for a change?

If Subway wants to really up the advertising ante, they should invent a sub that is so tempting and fattening that it would make Jared gain all of the weight back. But maybe Jared's willpower will keep him ordering that tasty 6-inch lettuce sub on wheat (he does double lettuce on Fridays).

Sure, Subway wants to target the health nuts. But what about the rest of us lard asses? We can't relate to skinny Jared. We want to see commercials with fat Jared, Big Boy and Grimace.

Subway shouldn't insult our intelligence like Carl's Jr. We know that even though Paris Hilton made out with that Spicy BBQ Six Dollar Burger and may have even fucked it, my guess is after the director said "cut," she played tonsil hockey with her index finger and barfed on the sound guy.

Subway can keep Jared. But they should hire me to be their fat spokesperson. Sure, Jared lost 100 pounds, but equally impressive is that I GAINED 100 pounds eating their subs. They are so damn good I couldn't control myself. Now that's truth in advertising!