Sunday, February 03, 2008

Mendota pub hopes horeshoes livens up Super Bowl party

Super Bowl Sunday is all about throwing a good party, and it looks like Lucky's 13 Pub in Mendota has some special events planned that will knock your socks off. And your shoes (especially if you are a prostitute).

I'm normally not a plug lug, but when I saw the promotional poster for Lucky's Super Bowl tailgating lineup last week, I just couldn't resist sharing it.

Sure, they have hot dogs and beer, which is usually enough to get me anywhere, but Lucky's is all about the atmosphere for me. It seems like a 30s to 40s crowd with great food and 80s tunes always playing on the jukebox. The hottie servers are a bonus - My favorite shares the same name as that loaded lass from the Archie comics.

Back to the poster - The first thing that caught my eye was the frozen T-shirt contest. My friend Andy and I thought this was a Minnesota Winter version of a wet T-shirt contest. One of the managers assured us it wasn't. She explained it, but with a cool Grain Belt premium and a platter of nachos in front of me, I forget the jist of it.

Andy and I are both "big & tall" so we offered to be participants if she ever did a real wet T-shirt contest. After all, as far as moobs (man boobs) go, we have some of the nicest man racks around. I even had to warn our server "Hey, I'm up here" while pointing to my eyes to keep her from stealing glances at my hairy cannons. I feel so violated sometimes.

Anyway, I hadn't noticed it at first, but there was one event on the promotional poster that blew all the others away - Poor Man's Horeshoes.

That's right. Not horseshoes. Horeshoes. I guess poor men can't afford to buy a "W" on their wheel of fortune. The manager on duty claimed it was a mis-spelling. Yeah, right. I'm not missing out on the fun no matter what you say, honey. You put it in writing on a poster that I can throw some slut's shoes around, you better live up to it.

Reminds me of some folks down in a Florida retirement community trying to keep my Dad from playing Shufflebroad last year. Who wants to play shuffleboard once you've dangled the alternative carrot?

Same goes for horeshoes.

Hmmm, what could horeshoes entail? Throwing clear heels around a stripper pole, perhaps? That would be fitting since Lucky's 13 sits on the former site of the Mendota Saloon, an old locally famous "gentleman's" club.

So many questions come to mind when you think about horeshoes.

Just how much does horeshoes cost to play? Do you pay by the hour, or by the shoe? Either way, you would think it would be fairly pricey for a streetwalker to give up her walkin' shoes. Especially if they are those fancy hooker boots.

Is it a big insurance liability to have hookers running around a bar barefoot? What if someone breaks a glass? Maybe hook them up with some loaner flip-flops while their regular shoes are turning all those tricks.

Can you be arrested for playing horeshoes? Is asking a hooker to remove her heel so you can get a ringer considered solicitation? If I play horeshoes, do I need to change my name from Rocky to John?

I've heard of some funny versions of horseshoes, like the Redneck Games version where they throw toilet seat lids, but I'd still have to give horeshoes the gold medal for best original spin-off idea.

The questions keep coming... should I wear two condoms while playing horeshoes just to be on the safe side?

Does playing horeshoes come with a happy ending? If you have a really good time playing horeshoes, could you end up with Julia Roberts when it is over?

Normally, this whole thing would smell like some kind of vice squad sting, but I've been going to Lucky's for some time now and they've never "set me up" with anything other than awesome food and drinks. And as long as you just play with the shoes, it sounds like a fairly safe game provided you don't try to steal those heels. No one needs Guido The Killer Pimp chasing them on Highway 13.