Whore-O-Scopes

I’m no Miss Cleo, but I do consider myself quite the ass-trologer. Most of my vision would be beneficial to the working girl.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) – You will ball twins and get paid double for your trouble.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) – You will get some guy to come out of his shell for $200, then go to the pharmacy to get medication for crabs.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Some lion tamers will make you the middle of a Sigfried and Roy sandwich, then pay you a magical amount.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Your hymen will finally get busted. Look on the bright side: At least you’ll get paid for it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – The scales of justice are not leaning your way. Chances of getting busted by the vice squad are very high. Watch out for cops!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You’ll get pricked by a stinger for a stash of cash.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Don’t act like such a horse’s ass if you want to attract ritzier Johns.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Some say goats will eat anything. You will screw anything as long as you get paid for it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You are known as the zodiac’s humanitarian, but don’t give it up for free or your pimp will bitch-slap you. Be a cheap whore and offer a discount instead.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – There are plenty of fish in the sea. To catch them, wear leather and 6-inch heels for bait. Let the feeding frenzy begin.

Aries (March 21-April 19) – You will get rammed, and then get rewarded.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You will grab a bull by the horn, then find out where the beef is.