Better Scares Come In Pairs

Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. And while you're at it, give me a great horror movie to watch. That's what Halloween is all about: Gorging on candy and watching a marathon of scary movies all night.

While my supply of candy will never run out, I am starting to get concerned about the scary movie production. There will always be the classic horror films, but I do depend on Hollywood to churn out at least a couple of decent horror flicks a year. That well might be drying up.

This year, only Saw 2 and The Fog remake really stand out as legit horror releases. I have no issue with the Saw movies, but am disappointed with The Fog.

First, before a movie is ever "remade," it should be a decent movie to begin with. At least change it enough to make me want to watch it, like Dawn of the Dead. I'd rather drive to the lakes and watch the fog roll off the water than watch The Fog remake. Maybe The Fog should have been called The Smog, with the setting in Los Angeles instead of the New England coast. Then I may have been willing to give it a second chance.

Maybe all the rehashing is my biggest issue. Why aren't there as many original movies any more? It's all movies about old TV shows or shitty sequels. I think horror movie remakes need to have a little new imagination put into them. Anyone can make an exact copy of an original. If you can't add a little spice to the original to make it different, don't bother. If you still can't think of anything, think outside of the pine box.

Freddy vs. Jason was an imaginative way to resurrect two tired characters (Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street and Vorhees from Friday The 13th fame) and inject them with new life.

Hollywood should take that idea and run with it for a while. Here are 10 other big-screen crossover ideas that Hollywood hasn't hooked up yet.

The Children of the Damned vs. Carrie - It starts out innocently as Carrie is offered a babysitting job to watch several albino children. Her mother warns her "They're all going to laugh at you!" but Carrie takes the gig anyway. Things start to go downhill when the little pink-eyed hellions won't put their toys away, brush their teeth or put on their pajamas. She tries calling John Travolta for babysitting tips, but he just babbles bullshit about Scientology, so she makes his car flip over 15 times. The last straw is when the kids lure Carrie into the foyer and dump a bucket of pig's blood on her head. She flips out and burns the house down, roasting all those little assholes to a crisp (if the director prefers a farm setting, just make it Carrie vs. The Children of the Corn).

Poltergeist vs. The Amityville Horror House - The same crooked developer from the Poltergeist movie decides to move the possessed house from New York to the graveyard where the old Poltergeist house stood. A possessed house + poltergiest = big fucking trouble. Then he dupes Craig T. Nelson's family again into buying their dream home. About 90 minutes later, Nelson is yelling "You only moved the headstones!" to the developer while his daughter is scribbling "redrum" and "kcaaaaber'yeht" all over the home's walls.

Misery woman vs. The Invasion of the Body Snatchers aliens - The aliens have one hell of a time snatching Kathy Bates' husky body. They decide to send in their best body snatcher disguised as James Caan, but he loses control of his car on a wintery road. Bates ends up snatching the alien's body from the car and decides to "nurse" him back to health, thinking he is her favorite author. She forces the alien to write a shitty romance novel, then hobbles him with a sledgehammer.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon vs. Jaws - The Creature is slowed down by all the seaweed hanging from him, so he is easily attacked by Jaws, who is still really pissed at Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfus. Jaws ends up biting off the Creature's left arm in the frenzy. The movie does have a heartwarming ending as the Creature, despite his missing appendage, releases a cologne called Black Lagoon Magic that doubles as shark repellent.

Dracula vs. The Mummy - The Mummy staggers around all stiff and presents no real challenge for The Count. However, when Dracula gets into position for his first bite of a 20,000-year-old Egyptian, he's incredibly disappointed. The Mummy's bandages are dry and crispy, making The Count hope the inside is chewy or creamy. When The Count tries sucking blood out, there's nothing but dusty remnants. It ends up being a total pain in the ass for Dracula, who has to suck powder out of the Mummy, spit it back into a Folgers can and bring it back to his castle. There, he heats up his coffee pot to 98.6 degrees, changes filters and mixes in The Mummy powder. When he finally has a cup of Mummy Mocha blend ready, it tastes more like ancient embalming fluid than blood, causing The Count to drive a wooden stake through his own heart.

Werewolf vs. Cujo - You'd figure this one would end up worse than a pit bull fight. It ends up pretty tame as the creatures walk up to each other and begin to sniff each other's asses to say "hello." They instantly recognize each other as old friends. They end up playing frisbee fetch, chasing cars, pissing and shitting in enemy's lawns, chewing on the bones of old victims, etc. Until the full moon ends. Then the werewolf turns back into a man and Cujo mauls him to death.

Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs vs. Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre - At first these two sickos want to kill each other and use each other's skin for new outfits. Until they realize they both share this bond. Next thing you know, they're doing silly little fashion shows for each other mixing and matching skin wardrobes. Then they go shopping for shoes from the collection of their victims. They paint each other's toenails blood red and gossip about all the people they've slaughtered. Later, Leatherface accidentally kills Buffalo Bill in a macabre slumber party pillow fight, but then makes a great new pair of cowboy boots out of him.

Christine vs. The Birds - Christine sees the flock on the highway pecking away at its victims and tries to turn the birds into more roadkill. But the birds fly off at the last moment unharmed. Christine then plays "Freebird" on its radio to try and lure the flock back to the highway. The foul fowl notice how shiny Christine looks after its recent wash and wax, and immediately all get the same idea. The birds shit all over the car, sending Christine off a cliff to its explosive doom.

The Exorcist girl vs. The Omen boy - In this classic clash, the Linda Blair character taunts Damien, saying things like "Your mother sucks cocks in hell." Damien, the Devil's son, knows these accusations are true, but it still pisses him off. They put each other through unspeakable pain, but when she barfs pea soup all over him, they end up falling for each other and spend the rest of the night holding hands and smooching while listening to Damien's Air Supply records.

The Addams Family vs. The Munsters - It all starts when Herman Munster comes home early from work and catches Gomez kissing Lily's arms. When Gomez slips the tongue to Lily's funny bone, the gloves are off! Herman just tears Gomez apart. Then the rest of the families join the melee. Morticia claws Lily to death, Uncle Fester electrocutes Grandpa, Eddie Munster and Pugsley kill each other, Spot eats Cousin It, and Lurch totally hooks up with Marilyn when he gets an extra "hand" down her pants from Thing.

Note: I'll live up to this post's title and deal a second dose of scary movie pairings soon. You didn't think I'd leave out Halloween's Michael Myers, did you?