Scent of a One-Armed Woman

I guess at some point you grow to expect that famous women will launch their own fragrance line. JLo has Glow, Elizabeth Taylor has White Diamonds, Celine Dion has Beauty, and Beyonce has True Star.

Britney Spears recently rolled out one called Curious. It makes me wonder if she will team up with Madonna for a follow-up called Bi-Curious. If she wanted to target the kindergarten market, Britney could release Curious George - a tropical banana scent with chimpy accents.



I have no problems with stars releasing fragrances. It's just something stars do. Movie stars release so-called albums. Singers "act" in movies. Both groups attempt to sell the smelly shit.

But when 15-minutes-of-fame people cross over that line and start peddling perfume, I begin to wonder what this world is coming to.

The biggest head-scratcher was hearing that teeny bopper Bethany Hamilton unveiled her fragrance line. Hamilton, if you recall, was the surfer girl who had her left arm bitten off by a shark off the coast of Hawaii in 2003. After an experience like that, I figured she'd be more interested in spraying herself with shark repellent than perfume.



The news broke on April Fools Day, which made me think it was a joke. Further research proved the story to be legit. The fragrances will be available later this year and will be produced by Revelations Perfume and Cosmetics. With a company name like that, maybe it's a sign the end of the world is near.

Hamilton hopes to harness the scent of the ocean in both fragrances. Didn't Kramer from Seinfeld come up with this idea originally? I guess if you can smell like the beach without having to dig sand out of every nook and cranny of your body, it would be convenient.

Stoked, made for girls, gets its name from surfer talk for "being excited." It combines clementine, pineapple, tropical orchids, lotus blossoms, sandalwood and coconut. I'm worried about this one. I believe the only Clementine I've ever had a whiff of was a woman in a nursing home, and she smelled like embalming fluid.

Wired, for boys, gets its moniker from surfer speak meaning "to master something." It blends orange and Asian pear, jasmine, juniper, cedar wood and sandalwood. I'm relieved to hear her ocean scent inspirations didn't include oil spills, lost illegal drug shipments, boat people and missing decomposed arms.

So now I'm wondering which other semi-famous people who lost body parts will be cashing in on the fragrance line thing. What smells will be in the air next?

Will Def Leppard's drummer release Drumstick, which captures the scent of a sweaty 80s rock band, groupies, booze and a good car wreck? Will John Wayne Bobbitt release a cologne called Lost & Found inspired by losing his penis for a few hours in a ditch, then having it surgically reattached? That one would just smell like trouble.

Then again, those people are probably a little too famous. Hamilton releasing a fragrance would be like John Thompson releasing a cologne. Thompson had both of his arms ripped off in a farm accident in North Dakota a few years back. His scent, potentially called Grain Auger, would surely include notes of sunflowers, wheat, soy beans and maybe a hint of flax. I suppose for more diehard lovers of the farm smell, he could come out with one called Bullshit, inspired by having to shovel out barn stalls.

I wish Hamilton had called me to be a consultant before forging ahead with this idea. She could have had more fragrances than just Stoked and Wired. Here's some better ideas she could have used, inspired by the ocean and her run-in with the shark:



Chum - There's nothing like seafood scraps to attract attention. The smell will definitely get you noticed.

Stump - This would allow to focus on the diftwood smell of the ocean, yet capture the idea of missing your arm just below the shoulder.

Gangrene - This one could smell minty, but also a bit mediciney.

Ouch - Band-Aids always make things better, so this smell of adhesive would capture that feeling.

Feeding Frenzy - Spray some of this on, and the guys will be rolling all over each other trying to get a piece of the action. Scent inspired by a cafeteria food fight with gravy being the dominant aroma.

One Armed Bandit - Smell like a showgirl with this fragrance that captures the Vegas scent: Smoke, dirty money, $3.99 buffets and slot machines.

Jaws: The Fragrance - Why not cash in on the Jaws franchise one more time? Maybe every time you squirt the bottle, the first few notes of the Jaws theme would start.

Sharkleberry Fin - Smell like a Kool-Aid stand with this fragrance. You could have the Kool-Aid Man fill his pitcher with perfume and bust his ass through the wall behind the perfume counter at Nordstrom's for its debut. Oh, yeaahh!