Viking ship turns into Love Boat

My Minnesota Vikings made waves this week after stories leaked of players cavorting with strippers while attending a wild and drunken sex party aboard pleasure craft on Lake Minnetonka. Brings new meaning to "love boat."

Many Minnesotans are outraged by the alleged lewd acts, and are looking for someone to blame. The problem is, they can't figure out who to point the finger at.

Well, that's easy. Look no further than Julie McCoy, your cruise director. She sets up the events on the ship: Naked shuffleboard on the Sun deck, the rave orgy in the disco on the Riveria deck, kinky photo shoots on the Aloha deck, peeping tom activities on the Observation deck, hardcore fucking on the Lido deck, sucking on the Coral deck, and fisting on the Fiesta deck.

The Minnesota Vikings players were eager to huddle up with the strippers and show them what the following football terms meant off the field: I formation, wishbone, touchdown, nose tackle, tight end, wide receiver, nickel package, sack, fourth and inches, chop block, leg whip, spike the ball, under center, take the snap, illegal blow to the head, roughing the passer, false start, unnecessary roughness, illegal use of the hands, too many men on the field and excessive celebration after scoring.

Witnesses say some Vikings and other guests harassed and/or invited members of the crew to "join the party." It seems like much of the media attention is being focused on the players' alleged involvement in illegal activity such as prostitution, overshadowing the kinkier behind-the-scenes stories told by and about the love boat crew.

Witnesses claim seeing strippers and players engaging in oral sex on dining tables in full view of everyone in the room. Something tells me this is NOT what Captain Stubing meant when he invited them to "dine with him at the Captain's Table." Then again, one witness overheard Stubing tell a stripper "I'm not afraid to go down with the ship, so you shouldn't be afraid to go down on me" and "would you like to see the Captain's log?"

Gopher was the most distraught of the crew. Players and strippers mistook his nickname for his job and they harassed him all night to go fetch things for them. "The players were like 'Hey, Gopher, go get me my helmet and pads... this is going to be some full-contact shit' while the strippers were saying 'Gopher, dear, go get me my titty tassels and my double-headed dildo.'" Later on, exhausted from running all of the on-board errands, he was accosted by a stripper who said "Hey, Gopher, I have a few holes you can crawl into!" After a scandal like this, a political career would be out of the question.

Someone heard Isaac, the bartender, bragging about giving nearly every person on the ship at least three or four cocktails. He also said he gave Cloris Leachman a slow screw and Annette Funicello some sex on the beach. Isaac was briefly arrested until police realized that simply meant he had served people drinks, not violated anyone with his stir stick.

Doc is accused of both helping and hindering. Known for being a ladies man on the ship despite his geeky looks, he was seen prescribing viagra before many of the sex acts, but later offered free inspections for genital warts. "No one's bitching about Isaac and he was serving stiff drinks all night," Doc hic-cupped. "But I serve a few stiffy pills, and people act like it's malpractice!"

Vicki was extremely upset by the events, screaming at players, strippers and other participants to please use birth control. "The last thing this ship needs is another little bastard like me running around," she shrieked before running off to blubber in a lifeboat.

Ace, the ship's photographer, apparently was treated by Doc for tendonitis in his picture-taking finger. He totally wore it out taking more "action shots" than a Hustler magazine employee. After Doc placed Ace's right index finger in a cast, he switched over to a video camera to document the party.

Guest stars aplenty were also on board, including buxom musician April Lopez (shown left telling Captain Stubing how big an offensive lineman's penis was). Lopez jumped overboard because she was only there to sing and say "Cuchi Cuchi," not bang anyone.

One rumor also placed Florence Henderson, Vic Tayback, Arte Johnson, Barbara Billingsley, Scatman Crothers and Randolph Mantooth in a stalled elevator for 2 hours. "One witness indicated it was no accident," one police official said. "Florence may have pushed the emergency stop button so she could show them all the real meaning of Wessonality."

Some people say that big boob coach Mike Tice is to blame and past coaches would not have tolerated or allowed such a party. My hunch is that Bud Grant's stone-faced expression would not have changed, even as an around-the-world nine-way was happening right in front of his steely eyes.

Tice, who I doubt scalped tickets to the love boat sex party, promised to have his team ready to play the Chicago Bears today. The team watched film all week, but it could not be confirmed if it was love boat re-runs or actual game film.

How could you possibly motivate your players to focus on the ballgame after a party like that? It's like expecting college students to be worth a shit and be able to focus on their studies the week after Spring Break. Tice will have to get creative and find some way to motivate the Vikings. Maybe he will take a Knute Rockne angle and tell the team to go out and "win one for the stripper... er, I mean, Gipper."