Junk Mail Offers Bum Deal

Junk mail can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

I was reminded of that while sifting through an envelope filled with coupons for area St. Paul businesses, and stumbled upon a brochure titled: Hemorrhoids - The Problem No One Talks About.

I wonder why no one wants to talk about it? It almost makes me wish I had hemorrhoids. Then I could shift every normal conversation toward that torrid zone of too much information.

My boss: Hey, Rocky, how was your weekend?

Me: Oh, it was OK until that wicked hemorrhoid flare-up. It felt like my jockey shorts had been marinated with a fine blend of tabasco sauce and itching powder. Every time I sat down, I yipped like a coyote caught in a bear trap. I wish Krispy Kreme made a donut you could sit on.

Luckily, pain in the ass conversations like that could be a thing of the past thanks to the hemorrhoid brochure, which boasts of Infrared Coagulation (IRC): The non-surgical solution.

That's good news. It's bad enough to have to undergo any kind of surgery, and I can't imagine having to go under the knife to fix my ass. The whole thing would seem unnatural from the moment they wheeled me face down on the gurney into the operating room.

How come we've never seen this procedure on ER? That would be some riveting drama. I would have liked to see George Clooney, Julianna Margulies, or that Revenge of the Nerds guy get stuck with some bulging ass veins for a change instead of their usual traumatic medical bullshit.

Inside the brochure, a banner headline reads: Hemorrhoids - A Problem Worth Solving. But what if your hemorrhoids are like a really complicated word problem involving two trains - one leaving Chicago at 9:30 PM doing 52 miles per hour and another leaving Chattanooga at 10:15 PM doing 63 miles per hour? Maybe then you'd just say fuck it, it's not worth solving, I'll just worry about this extra lump inside my scrotum instead.

Don't Suffer Another Day the brochure brags at the bottom. But the suffering is only beginning. The middle two pages feature a list of questions, and I must admit, I was shocked by the answers. Of course, the place only paints a pretty picture, so I've added my own interpretation of what the real answers could be as a paranoid non-medical service to the readers of this blog.

Rocky's disclaimer: Then again, I could just be bitter ever since I lost my ass virginity about 3 years ago to a doctor's hand. Marcus Welby claimed he was checking my prostate, but it seemed like his fingers were careening towards my spleen. I found his watch the next day. A week after that I found his class ring.

Enough about my ass, let's get back to the hemorrhoids brochure...

Question #1: What is IRC?
Brochure answer: It's a minimally invasive non-surgical hemorhhoid treatment... A small probe contacts the area above the hemorhhoid, exposing the tissue to a burst of infrared light for one second... The patient may feel a slight sensation of heat, but it is generally not painful, therefore anesthesia is not required...

My take: Maybe nothing around your ass is minimally invasive, it's more like D-Day... A small probe? Who's doing the procedure? Aliens? Why can't they just leave your ass alone and go back to doing their silly little crop circles and mutilating farm animals?... This sounds like bullshit. Whenever they say it's not going to hurt, it usually does. When they say it's just going to be a little prick and it feels like you've been hit with a pitchfork, the only little prick you feel is the doctor who just brushed up against you during the procedure.

Question #2: Does the IRC procedure hurt?
Brochure answer: Medical studies have shown that our treatment causes much less discomfort than any other non-surgical hemorrhoid treatment and often is totally painless.

My take: Compared to what other non-surgical treatments? Having Dr. Scissorhands slice and dice your ass like it's an overgrown shrub? Or does a nurse don a welding shield like that chick from Flashdance and use a lighter in hopes of torching a fart to burn them out?

Question #3: How long is the procedure?
Brochure answer: Generally, it lasts about 10 minutes.

My take: If the procedure to zap the hemorrhoid only takes a second, what are they doing to your ass the other 9 minutes and 59 seconds? Blowing smoke up it, perhaps?

Question #4: How many treatments are required?
Brochure answer: This is on a case-by-case basis, but usually about 5-7 visits are required at 1-2 week intervals.

My take: Your ass will be getting tapped for the next 5 to 14 weeks. And giving someone 5 to 7 cracks at your ass seems excessive for such a simple, painless solution.

Question #5: Will I be able to have normal bowel movement?
Brochure answer: Yes, IRC produces no disruption to your work schedule or lifestyle.

My take: I'm not sure who gets to shit as part of their normal work schedule. Maybe the product tester at Charmin. If normal bowel movements don't start, I'd suggest eating 10 bean burritos from Taco Bell. It makes perfect sense, since their slogan is "Think outside the bun(s)." Not only would that make you so regular you'd be irregular, it would make them pay for making you come back for treatment #7.

Question #6: What must I do after the procedure?
Brochure answer: You can continue your usual activities, even on the day of treatment.

My take: Hey, congratulations! Your ass is normal! Go moon the audience of a crowded theatre. Go find a woman to spank you, as it will hurt in a good way for once.

Bringing up the rear on the back of the brochure are two testimonials, including photos of the people who used to be ass-ravaged. They did, however, only use their initials so just their friends and relatives will know the secret identities behind all of that burning, itching, swelling and bleeding. Thanks, L.W. and R.F., for telling us how you sat on your sore asses for 13 and 5 years respectively before doing something.

Finally, at the bottom of the page, the Hemorrhoid Treatment Center boasts of its "convenient" locations. Across the entire U.S.A., it's only found in seven states: Minnesota, Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, New York, Ohio and Texas.

You know what this means? Some poor bastard in Maine or Washington State has to drive through about 5 or 6 states on that sore swollen ass just to get this simple treatment. After a trip like that, I'd say your bloated bum would be stuck with 20 to 25 treatments, minimum, which sounds like an even bigger pain in the ass than it's worth to me.