Ways to warm up the Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics need to spice things up if it hopes to heat up its image. If you are into winter sports, the Games do offer plenty to watch. But to nab a broader appeal and to boost the TV ratings NBC is always bitching about, the Winter Olympics committee needs to cash in on what viewers are looking for.

Even though Antarctica is a continent and not a country with no real native human citizens, I say add it to the mix anyway. Let the penguins compete. People love those slippery little dudes even more ever since that March of the Penguins movie. Let them do the luge on their bellies, and finish with a splash by directing the route right into the water. If people bitch that the Olympics are just for people, let Danny DeVito be the proxy athlete.

If that is deemed too drastic, there is a much easier fix: Add new sports. The snowboarding events was a start, but it is no time to let up. All you need to do is examine many of the mainstay sports to realize the Winter Olympics may need to add more excitement to the lineup.

Take curling. Ask me 25 years ago what curling was and I would have told you it was what kept my sister in the bathroom for 3 hours before a simple outing to the Pizza Hut (Which some may find more exciting than people sliding large rocks down the ice, where people with brooms try to "sweep" the rocks into position on a bullseye target at the end).

The biathlon combines the event of cross-country skiing with rifle marksmanship. Cross-country skiing is probably not the most exciting Winter Olympics event to combine with shooting. But give a downhill skier a rifle, and then we have a different interest altogether.

Organizers could surely come up with even better choices of which event needs to be armed, such as matching ski jumping with archery. Or how about making one of the two middle men on the four-man bobsled team actually do something besides leaning. I say arm him with a blow dart gun and try to hit marked spectators in the crowd on the way down.

Speaking of the bobsled, why not up the ante and have an 8-person event. The sled should look much like the shell of a 1973 Country Squire station wagon. But there should be more roles than just the brakeman and the driver. Might I suggest the other six participants each have to complete one of the following tasks on the way down the track:

1. Apply makeup.
2. Shave.
3. Consume a McDonald's value meal and a hot cup of coffee.
4. Make at least two cell phone calls.
5. Do a quickie crossword puzzle.
6. One has to pick on the other athletes to the point where the driver threatens to "stop this bobsled, and turn around and go home" if they don't behave themselves.

Extra style points could be added if the driver flips off another country's bobsled team during the run, officially bringing road rage to the bobsled track.

Some other new events that would be fine additions to the Winter Games:

Snowball fighting - This event would probably have to be closely monitored so countries like Iraq and Afghanistan didn't try to hide rocks within their snowballs, thus creating SMDs (snowballs of mass destruction).

Snow fort building - Judges would look for not only size of the fort, but special features such as multiple rooms, entrances and the ability to stand up inside. There would be a time limit, and the difficulty of executing the blueprint would be taken into consideration. Example: The United States team of Alaskans erecting an igloo in 45 minutes would mean certain Olympic glory.

Finnish Sauna - OK, so the Finns would be a natural favorite for the gold here. But people running out of a sauna naked and then rolling in the snow would definitely give the TV ratings a needed nudge.

Snow angel making - This event would be judged on artistry and perfection. Not only how good does the angel look, but is there any damage to the outer part of the angel when the participant tries to exit the imprint?

Snowman building - Athletes have to be careful in this event because if they start out too big on the base snowball, it may be too difficult to lift the "thorax" and head balls on top of the base. Creative design is also big here. If your snowman is decorated with just a couple lumps of coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, don't expect to be on the medals platform. However, if your snowman is wearing the outfit that your country's Miss Universe Pageant contestant was wearing, then you may capture gold.

Lunchtray luge - The Olympiad lugers think they have a dangerous ride. Try clinging to a school cafeteria lunchtray when rocketing down a track at 80 miles per hour. To make it really interesting, an added requirement could be chugging a pint carton of milk on the way down.

3,000K icey parking lot walk - This can be a challenge after a nice sleet storm. It takes the perfect step and just the right speed to complete this course. Walking seems boring, but add that ice surface and you'd see more wipeouts than a surfing contest and more crashes than a NASCAR race combined. The resulting injuries would equal big ratings.

Ice scraping - As long as you have the ice-covered events, this would be another doozy. Of course, there would be the compact car event, which would be dominated by the Japanese. There would also be the SUV event, where scraping a two-inch layer of ice off of a Ford Excursion's windows would test even the strongest ice scraping arms. Any attempts to start the vehicles and use defrost heater settings would result in immediate disqualification.

Stick your tongue to a frozen flagpole - This event would combine the talent of arguing with the ability to rescue a teammate after his tongue has been hopelessly stuck to a frozen metal flagpole. After the proper double- and triple-dog dares are issued, the tongues get stuck and the clock starts. How quickly can the poor bastard's countrymen free him from the frozen flagpole? That time coupled with points for the least amount of tongue surface damage spell Olympic gold.

Name writing in the snow - This would be a real pissing match. Americans and Canadians would be so good at this event. I actually would even have a chance at being an Olympic athlete, and would really display my ability to "go for the gold."

As long as someone reminds the Danish to stick to names and not wizzing pictures of religious deities, the sport should be safe for spectators. The Dutch would be a bonafide contender in this event - their ability to put those little umlauts on their Häagen-Dazsy names and not dribble on their wooden shoes would be duly noted.