My favorite February 2nd furball will crawl out of his hole this morning in Punxatawney, Pa., and get quite a shock. Winter's already over. It almost feels like it never started. He won't even have to go through with the shadow bullshit.Unfortunately, one of the warmest Januarys in United States weather history won't make Groundhog's Day all warm and fuzzy. It came a year too late. Poor Punxsutawney Phil froze his nuts off last year.
"It was the strangest thing," one witness said. "He came out of his hole last year and sniffed out a spot on a stump to stand. Then he saw his shadow and simultaneously saw two small shadows drop from between his stumpy legs. In an instant, he became Punxsutawney Phyllis."
Phyllis couldn't just wake up in bed to Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe" and start his day over like Bill Murray did in that zany Groundhog Day movie. This was Pennsylvania, not Hollywood. Those nuts weren't coming back."I had told Matt and Katie that morning it was cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey," Al Roker said. "So naturally, that groundhog's nuts never had a chance."
Legend says when the groundhog sees its shadow, it scares the critter back into its hole, signaling 6 more weeks of winter. Last year, after seeing the shadows of his own nuts freezing off, Phil slipped into a 6-month coma.
Phyllis has recovered in time to participate in today's event. One thing's certain: If a shadow resembling Abe Lincoln is seen, the groundhog can count on at least 6 continuous hours of being dry humped by a bunch of dudes wearing stovepipe hats.
22 comments:
Here in West Texas, Prairie Dog Pete came out of the hole and scratched his nutsack and crawled back in the hole not giving a shit whether he saw his shadow or not. Prairie dogs make a rather grizzled prognosticater.
LOL!
Happy Groundhog Day!
I found a hilarious groundhog picture!
(Sorry for the blatant plug - I'm having a really hard time getting readers back after the original blog died)
I hope something wonderful ‘pops up’ for you today! LOL
I'm glad they do not hold these ceremonies here. It may be a warm winter the rest of you, but here it was still quite cold enough, often enough, that poor Phyllis would've lost a limb.
So Phil knows all about that "Cold Spot"...
Dry humped by Abe Lincoln hat guys? I think Phil/lys ended up Stillwater prison...or Catholic confessional!
A brilliant take on what has to truly be the stupidest annual "event". You've at least given it balls ... well ... sort of ...
CT - The lack of snow does suck. It's not even safe to go ice fishing in some spots here. That's messed up for Minnesota for this time of year!
FUZZ - I always appreciate you educating me on West Texas tradition. I admire Prairie Dog Pete's carefree attitude. Phyllis is probably bitter Pete had nuts to scratch.
MARTI - Bummer about your blog. I will update my link to you.
ELLA - That sounds chilly! Phyllis has lost so much already, a missing limb probably wouldn't have even phased the little bugger.
DK - That was Phil? I had no idea. I thought it was just Mrs. Groundhog. I couldn't do the Adam's Apple check to tip me off because his neck is so furry.
JOHNB - Hahaha, Phil knows the cold spot all too well. It's all those Stovepipe Hat Freaks' hands!
TJOINT - How far down the pecking order would you be at Stillwater Prison if your "bitch" was a groundhog? He'd probably be bought and sold for a half a cigarette or a stick of gum.
STRINGMAN - Thanks. Some people probably read this and think I'm nuts to write about a Groundhog who lost his balls.
Hilarious!! That's the funniest thing ever! I picture the sound of it like christmas ornaments falling and breaking onto the ice.
Yeah, having a groundhog for a bitch is hardly braggable ijn prison or otherwise. I think instead of a straight-up trade, I'd put the groundhog in as an ante as opposed to my cigarettes in a game of poker.
has been a sucky winter. Groundhog Day is a great film, with a great lesson, I don't think that enough people have seen it.
Soo! Yesterday the little bastard comes out of his hole, it's so warm that he's sunning himself with maitai in hand. Today, it's cold enough to shrivel his acorns.
I do not understand this thing you call winter.
WATCHER - Thanks! Yes, it sounds a bit like balls of holly dropping, doesn't it?
TJOINT - That would be a good swap. Also, the birdman of Stillwater (every prison has one, I'm guessing) may trade two or three carrier pigeons for the Groundhog, so that would be a 3-for-1 bitch trade.
REV BBG - Groundhog Day was a great film. I actually watched the flick again on GH Day (it was on Showtime).
SPAMMY - No kidding, Thursday he slipped on Bermuda shorts on sunglasses. Friday, he would have froze his little nipples off.
JUDIBOOTIE - If only we could get South Beach weather (minus the hurricanes) up here. You are always welcome to visit us to experience winter first-hand :-)
RANEA - Does that mean his little paws and nutsack will be orange for 6 more weeks?
But then I'd get snow in my hair. Snow=water and water=no good for my hair and the yellow slicker's just not good enough.
But maybe. I do like a good snowball fight and waking up in the Rocky Road home might just be good for me.
But I'm still waiting for the story about how you went head on with Dr. Doom and beat him at his evil ways.
That was just so wrong on so many levels. So since I've horked coffee outta all the holes in my face I got nothing more than to say Like me you just ain't right.
Haha, this is absolute genious. It really has been a strangely warm winter.
Hilarious! I've been trying to come up with an angle on the warm weather to write about, but you have given me something impossible to top. I actually haven't heard what Phil saw this year--I guess that shows how much I usually care about this sacred event.
Thanks for your help on my "best of" query. I had to post on something else first, but I'll get your link and the winning selections up in a few days.
-- david
Ha! Very funny. I had no idea that Phil had frozen his nuts off. Poor thing... He's so cute though.
I saw my shadow today!
Bwahahahahahaha!!! Yeah, our average daytime high has been in the 50's this year. Last month it was actually 70* for a couple of days. Six more weeks of winter? Bring it on, bitch.
JUDIBOOTIE - You are always welcome at the Rocky residence. Working on the Doom thing. Stay tuned!
ALEKX - I take that as a huge compliment: Being wrong on so many levels :-) Hope the coffee through the nose wasn't too hot.
CARLY - Thanks! It really has seemed more like late fall than a winter here.
AMULET - I couldn't help but write about the little furball after being inspired by seeing news footage of those stovepipe hat guys throwing him around like a ragdoll.
I was happy to vote for your best blogs. Great stuff.
T - It is amazing how Phil retained his cuteness despite his horrific work-related injury.
MIKE - I'm glad to hear you just saw your shadow and only one shadow. When Phil saw three shadows, it meant he was minus 2.
WARCRY - I couldn't agree with you more. If this is winter, bring on another month and a half of this.
We haven't got up to 70,but it was around 40 for a few days and many Minnesotans were wearing shorts and T-shirts.
All I can say is I'm AMAZEd, and WHEEEEEE. If you need any help remembering, just ask. My memory is like a sieve.
As for temps this year, ours is the rather typical two really cold weeks--it's been in the high 40's and low 50's--in February, although it used to get into the 30's (at least until lunchtime) when I was in high school.
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