Fair-y Tale

Once upon a time, a plump prince named Rocky went to the Minnesota State Fair and marveled at how many different foods could be served on a stick. First there were just corn dogs, but soon items you normally wouldn't envision on a stick popped up like cheese, pork chops, key lime pie and spaghetti and meatballs.

Needless to say for the past five years, all of this food on a stick at the Minnesota State Fair beckons me like it's a big-ass porch light and I'm a maniacal moth.

My wife (AKA My Fair Lady) and I usually take a free shuttle bus to the event because the idea of paying $10 to park 13 blocks away is about as crazy as paying $12 for a small plastic bucket of chocolate chip cookies. So we always do the sensible thing and take the free bus and buy the cookies for dessert on the ride home.

Normally, the bus ride is pretty uneventful, but this year was different. While boarding, we met an old woman, and despite this story's fair-y tale beginning, she didn't live in a shoe or have dozens of children. She was our shuttle bus driver.

She was a sweet old gal, but something caught my eye on the way to my seat. I couldn't help but notice the large strand of shiny green beads hanging from her rear view mirror. These were the kind of beads you see college chicks get for flashing their tits at Mardi Gras. Maybe she lived at a really hip retirement community where they do Mardi Gras Night instead of Bingo Night. I was tempted to ask her what she did to earn the beads, but didn't for fear of being subjected to a live show of Old Lady Bus Drivers Gone Wild.

Upon arrival at the Fairgrounds, we decided to work up an appetite by walking around for a while. We browsed the animal exhibits as these have historically offered some of the best humor of the day. This year's entries didn't disappoint.

The Fair made me realize I'm totally behind the times when it comes to animal fashion sense. I know some rich bitches like dressing their Yorkies in little designer sweaters, but the fashion bug seems to have bitten the bigger animals now, too.

Take the black sheep wearing white covers and hoods. Some sheep shearer would probably tell me there's a reason for these duds, but my guess is the sheep are making a fashion statement: They're wearing white because there is virgin wool under their garments.

But nothing could compare to the new stylish sheep speedo. That flashy blue not only shows off the lamb chops, it's great for a dip in any farm pond.

With fashion like that in the sheep barn, it made me wonder why Joan and Melissa Rivers weren't on the red carpet as the livestock was being unloaded, shrieking "Who are you wearing?!" to the farmers. Sure, all the farmers would be wearing Wrangler jeans and Dickies flannel shirts, but the animals would be wearing the hottest styles by top barnyard designers.

Things were really heating up down the road in the swine barn. This picture doesn't show pigs in a blanket, but they could probably use one. When I saw this preliminary porking, I yelled "Get a pigpen!" Once pigs start spooning, it's only a matter of time before things start sizzling. My Fair Lady and I left because we wanted the term "makin' bacon" to remain a silly sex term instead of being tied to an image of actual screwing pigs.

In the cattle barn, stats were posted everywhere about how much bovines shit or piss. One sign read: "Fascinating fact: Dairy cows urinate 1.9 times more on average than regular cows." I'm surprised the sign in the picture didn't have a banner above it saying "You're not gonna believe this shit!" This was especially trying for My Fair Lady, who already has to hear daily how much I shit and piss.

Then I started to feel sorry for the poor statistician who had to do all the field work to come up with these numbers. How many cows taking a dump did he have to analyze to come up with his "average." Hopefully this poor bastard kept reminding himself "It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it!"

I was also fascinated by gamblers' ability to invade any event. Sure, we were 30 miles from the nearest casino, but some hustler had set up a "Moo-Lette" wheel for kids to spin. I have no idea what a "winning" spin would get, but I'm guessing anything from a glass of milk to a side of beef. I heard a rumor that one kid lost his ass playing this game, and confirmed this later when I saw the donkey eating hay in the horse barn.

In the poultry area, My Fair Lady took a picture of this goose doin' time. We couldn't find the warden to ask how long he was in for, but we assumed he was being held for trying to embezzle a golden egg.

In an adjacent dairy building, a different kind of gold was on display: Butter sculptures of several State Fair beauty queens. My Fair Lady lets me view this exhibit alone because when I see these buttery busts, I start talking dirty. This year, I mortified people within earshot by saying things like "make out with her, and your cholesterol will shoot up 200 points" or "I wonder where they keep their butter legs? I want to spread them on a piece of Texas Toast!"

The signs in the Horticulture Building said "Please do not touch the flowers." One kid didn't bother to read the sign and got to third base with all of them. He must have been part bumblebee. I swear he cross-pollinated most of the room singlehandedly.

Now it was time for My Fair Lady and me to chow down. We started gorging on cheese curds until something by the french fry booth caught my eye. I started looking for a gigantic salt shaker until My Fair Lady informed me this was just some teenager wearing a wild 'n wooly mascot suit, not a really fuckin' biggie size fries. My guess is this poor kid would have preferred to be submerged in cooking oil rather than wear this goofy get-up complete with the Antarctic-approved gloves in the 90-degree heat while standing next to the 150 degree french fry stand.

After eating everything but the kitchen sink on a stick, I was too full by the time we passed the German Roasted Nuts booth. That was OK because I was afraid to ask what these folks were really serving. The guy taking orders was wearing lederhosen and had a really high voice. Hopefully that was just coincidence. Still, I didn't have the balls to order them.