Who's the cheesiest of them all?

While at work the other day, something sidetracked me from my all-important supervisory duties. An advertising slogan on one of the display pallets in our food warehouse asked "Are you one of the cheesiest kids in America?"

I couldn't help but chuckle. What a cheesy ad campaign! I know I'm getting older, but does "cheesy" still mean what it used to? Did the Webster's elves pull another switcheroo like when they made the word "bad" actually mean "good." Cheesy used to define something that was totally lame.

I checked my dictionary to confirm my suspicions...

Cheesy (pronounced chee-zee), adj. cheesier, cheesiest. 1. resembling or suggesting cheese especially in consistency or odor; containing cheese. 2. Slang. Shoddy, inferior, shabby or cheap.

My conclusion: Kraft is safe and lives up to both definitions. Add a cup of milk and a stick of butter to the pouch of cheddar powder found inside the box and Emeril would say "Bam!" as he stirred the elbow noodles into a vat of cheesy consistency. The product is also cheap: You can usually pick up a box for just over a buck.

Now totally amused, I removed an individual package from the pallet display for a closer look. It turns out this is a contest sponsored by Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to find the "cheesiest" kids in America. If you can prove you're one of the "cheesiest," you could win big prizes like a trip to Orlando, a $5,000 scholarship, or even get your picture on the front of the box itself! Be still, my cheese-clogged heart!

There are two age groups - 6 to 10 and 11 to 14. You have to show how you are the cheesiest kid by submitting one of the following: A 100-word essay, a picture or drawing, or a 2-minute video.

Now I was bummed out. Hey, I can produce something every bit as cheesy as that golden sawdust Kraft considers cheese. But those heartless bastards forgot to put in a category for us 36-year-olds.

If I'm upset at this, I can't imagine how Katie must feel. She was that young girl from the old Kraft commercials who was always all bitchy, complaining to her friends, mother and stuffed animals how the product's name should be changed to Katie's Cheese and Macaroni. Maybe as she got older, she became even more high maintenance and Kraft dumped her like spent boiled water.

I know the age constraints of Kraft's contest rule me out, but I wish the company would reconsider its stance. Here's proof I am the "cheesiest man" in America:

Who's your Mac Daddy? Me!

But I'll need more than 100 measley words to prove it. If some 12-year-old cheesy wanna-be gets that many words, I deserve triple because I'm easily three times older, wiser and cheesier.

First, when I'm in the supermarket, I just blow by the frozen food section. Stouffer's claims it uses real cheese in its macaroni and cheese, but why pay $3 for it when I can score a box of Kraft's powdery cheddar goodness for $1.19?

I rush home and start cooking. Sometimes if I can't wait the 7-10 minutes to boil the water and prep the noodles, I'll just get the Easy Mac so I can chow down in 90 seconds or less. But usually, I'll make a "Family Size" pack the old-fashioned way.

When it's done, fuck the bowls. I usually just carry the whole pot to the couch and dig in with the serving spoon. My wife steers clear of the living room the next 15 minutes for fear of getting tagged with cheesy shrapnel.

After the meal, I have to go out to the driveway so my wife can spray those stubborn yellow cheese sauce stains off of my face, hands, chest hair and back with the power washer.
I bet Jessica Simpson would don a bikini in a heartbeat for a chance to scrub me down like I was the General Lee. But "Daisy" probably wouldn't take the time for details like my wife does, dabbing my chin with paint thinner to peel off that golden cheesy noodle tan from my chin.

In conclusion, aside from being an economical shopper, my arteries are now 80 percent clogged due to heavy cheese consumption over the last three decades. I also constantly cut the cheese. You can't get any cheesier than that!

If you don't like my story, please enter the enclosed picture into the contest instead. I drew it all by myself without any help from my parents!