Circle the Wagons

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but nicknames never hurt me. Especially sports team nicknames.

Not the NCAA. The collegiate sports organization lowered the boom this week and announced that any school using a nickname or logo considered racially or ethnically “hostile” or “abusive” would be prohibited from using them in postseason events. The new rule was established to target schools whose sports teams use Native American nicknames such as the Florida State Seminoles, the Illinois Fightin' Illini, the Utah Utes, etc.

Holy censorship, Batman!

What’s the big hub-bub here? Maybe it's the former journalist in me or just the lover of living in a totally free country, but the first amendment and free speech should always come before political correctness. I learned a long time ago that no matter what you say or write, chances are someone is going to be pissed.

I hardly find using a tribe's name a "hostile" or "racist" act. Now if a college women's basketball team called itself the "Screamin' Squaws," I could understand the NCAA wanting to play the mommy role to end the "mean name-calling." Still, in my humble opinion, groups of people should be able to call themselves whatever the hell they want, offensive to others or not. If you don't like it, don't support the team and support a school with a warm and fuzzy animal mascot.

If a college wants to drop its current Native American nickname for a great ethic nickname that will get no backlash from my relatives, it should switch to the Gorgin' Germans. The players could wear lederhosen for uniforms, the football team could wear helmets with pointy spikes on the top, fans could eat sauerkraut brats until they explode, and the band could play polka music. It could be Oktoberfest all year long, baby!

That nickname idea is probably dead thanks to the NCAA opening this big-ass can of worms. If college sports teams are going to be scrutinized for potentially offensive mascots, where will the NCAA draw the line? If Native American tribal names are cut, is the leprechaun making fistacuffs logo and the Fighting Irish name out for Notre Dame? Will Syracuse not be allowed to use the Orangemen name for fear of offending people who used Bobby Brady's hair tonic?

Even college teams in and near the Twin Cities could be affected. Will the Macalester Fighting Scots have their names stripped because some guys in kilts got their bagpipes all worked up? Will Norwegians say enough is enough and demand St. Olaf cease using Oles for a mascot, thus roadblocking my dream of them adopting Lenas as their women's team nickname?

Will someone demand the University of Minnesota change its Golden Gophers mascot because it reminds them of a hillbilly relative who has buck teeth and facial hair?

The University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux are definitely on the NCAA hit list.

A couple of years ago, I was walking to Mariucci Arena in Minneapolis to watch a college hockey game between North Dakota and Minnesota. An albino man confronted me on the sidewalk for “being racist." I wasn't wearing a white sheet, but a black and green UND jersey (and I was wearing the old logo, not the new one drawn by a Sioux artist, which is apparently up a few notches on the offensive mascot fashion scale).

“Hey, how would you like it if the college I went to had a team called the Honkeys, the Whiteys, or the Crackers?” he bitched as he glared at me with his pink eyes. “Then what?”

“I might ask you to trade jerseys depending on the color scheme and logo,” I told him jokingly. “No offense, dude. I’m just supporting my team.”

“What gives you the right to wear that jersey?,” he snipped. “Did you specifically get permission from every Sioux indian to wear that jersey?”

“My wife is 1/16 Sioux and related to Sitting Bull, and she laid out the jersey with my underwear on the bed this morning, so I know she's cool with it," I said. “But that doesn't really matter because it’s a free country, remember?”

The albino interrupted with a chant into his bullhorn: “1-2-3-4 Offensive mascot – No more!”

“5-6-7-8, don’t let this protester procreate!” I replied.

The last thing I think about when I go out in public is pissing someone off because of what I’m wearing. Still, it’s my right to wear what I want, even if it’s just leather chaps and a dog collar (although that actually would be offensive, and I might be arrested for that).

I'd suggest North Dakota keep its uniforms the same but change their nickname and logo to the Fighting Sue, but maybe that would piss off some lady named Sue who is always up for a fight after two or three beers. I guess the school could spell it Fighting Soo to pay homage to a local railroad, but then there's the risk of making a train engineer jump the tracks.

See what I mean? If we get too politically correct, constantly worrying about what we say or hand-wringing and second-guessing what we wear for fear of possibly offending someone, then the good ol' U.S. of A. is a long way from free.

Did some universities foresee this storm brewing? Did the University of Hawaii know this decision was looming and change their team nickname so it wouldn't be banned for potentially offending homosexuals? As ridiculous as this sounds, some speculate Hawaii dropped the word “Rainbow” from the front of its "Warriors" moniker because the nickname sounded “too gay.” I’d suggest they call themselves the Pineapples, but heaven forbid, that would sound too “fruity.” If they don't want to stray away from the produce section, maybe they could name themselves after a vegetable.

Oh, wait, that's already been done, and it's the corniest nickname ever. Concordia College of Moorhead, Minnesota, calls its teams the Cobbers. The mascot is a really pissed off corn cob, so angry I can't believe any kernels on his head haven't started popping.

When your team is named after a vegetable, it’s going to be tough to strike fear in the hearts of your opponents. If you are going to name your team after a plant, at least pick something prickly like Cacti, cunning like Venus Flytraps, or cool like Cucumbers.

Barring a protest from militant tree huggers or people with no brain activity, I'd say the Cobbers vegetable nickname and mascot are probably safe. Or are they?

The NCAA must ban Concordia from ever playing a University of Nebraska team, especially wrestling. A Cobber vs. Cornhuskers match would totally fall into that hostile environment, and no one wants to see some poor 19-year-old kid get "husked." Corn on corn violence must be stopped in advance. You heard it here first!