Slippery thief still making clean getaway

These boots were made for walkin', but apparently those ruby slippers were made for stealin'.

That would probably be Nancy Sinatra's take on recent events at the Judy Garland Museum in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. It was a $1 million dollar heist that didn't net any cash, just a 66-year-old pair of shoes.

But the shoes were much more valuable than a pair of Air Jordans. The ruby slippers, used by Garland in the classic 1939 movie The Wizard of Oz, walked off from their exhibit the weekend of August 27-28. Someone broke an emergency exit door window and then shattered the glass display case to steal the slippers, failing to set off a state-of-the-art burglar alarm in the process.

It was as if a flying monkey had swooped in and swiped them. Police still have no solid leads and no yellow brick road to follow to solve the crime.

This is a troubling crime for both Minnesotans and The Wizard of Oz fans. Lutheran women have stopped making hotdish. The Mayor of Munchkinland has declared martial law.

The thief's trail is now over a month old, and starting to get as cold as International Falls in January. Minnesota Nice could use the help of Miami Vice, but it's a long drive for Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs. I'm no CSI guy, but am willing to add my 2 cents to try to keep the shoe snatcher from slipping away scot-free.

Here's five - other than the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy cast - who I think can be crossed off the suspect list already:

Scarecrow - At some point, you have to try to find the brains of the whole outfit. In this case, you wouldn't find any. No matter how the movie ended, he still had no fucking brain, and you needed one to be smart and cunning enough to pull off this theft. Besides, there would have been a trail of straw leading back to the cornfield if it was him.

Tin Man - He wouldn't have had the heart to do such a thing. Not the kind of heart that pumps blood, or that weird necklace fake heart The Wizard gave him, which looked more like some sort of big-ass bling alarm clock Flavor Flav would wear. The Tin Man would have been too loud and slow, clanking around the crime scene. Prowlers and metal suits just don't mix. Also, he would have needed an accomplice to oil his hinges if they became stiff or rusty.

Cowardley Lion - Even though the Wizard gave him a medal for bravery, this cat will still always be a big pussy, and way too chicken-shit to pull off such a big heist.

Toto - This little dog probably hasn't been able to get his mind off of humping munchkin legs since his little trip to Oz in Dorothy's picnic basket. Even if he did break into the museum, he only would have been able to fetch the slippers for his master, not steal them.

Wicked Witch of the West - She'd defintely have a motive as the slippers belonged to her sister before Dorothy's house landed on her wart-nosed, pointy hatted ass. Then Dorothy got the "hot" slippers. But remember, the Wicked Witch of the West ended up melting like a green army man in a microwave. And bad guys (and gals) only started coming back from the dead in the 1980s. If those had been Jason's mom's slippers, Dorothy would have ended up with an axe in her head in an Oz sequel.

But I wouldn't be so sure about these folks...

3 Wicked Stepsisters from Cinderella - These three hags are still bitter that the glass slipper didn't fit them, preventing possible hook-ups with Prince Charming. If a glass slipper could get a prince, they probably figured a ruby slipper would score a king.

Imelda Marcos - Sure, she was rumored to have over 3,000 pairs of shoes, but she didn't have any ruby red slippers. Just dozens of ballet slippers, bedroom slippers, sheepskin slippers, monster feet slippers, Elmo bedtime slippers, etc. A shoe yahoo like this might be tempted to add one more rare pair (there were only four known pairs of the ruby slippers in existence) to her collection, provided she has room in her shoe organizer.

Winona Ryder - She was once busted at a Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue attempting to get a five-fingered discount for $4,800 worth of clothes, bags and accessories. Maybe kleptomania set in again when she realized the key to a clean getaway would be to simply yell "Bettlejuice!"

Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe - She was bitter because the only shoe she ever owned was the one she lived in. After raising all of those kids, she figures she finally deserved to own a pair she could actually wear. She went through at least $1 million worth of bullshit inside that shoe (odor eaters did nothing for the smell), so society kind of owed the slippers to her.

Dorothy - Police did say they thought it could have been an inside job. Maybe it was Dorothy herself. Maybe she's "somewhere over the rainbow" and pissed off because the shoes don't fit any more. Maybe she wanted the slippers back because once she clicked her heels and did the whole "no place like home" thing, she realized that Kansas sucks and she really wants to be back in Oz.

Whoever swiped them, now the museum is being forced to potentially plan its Oztoberfest celebration without one of its main attractions. That would be like releasing all the "inmates" from HBO's Oz, yet continue filming the show. Or doing Ozzfest without Ozzy. It's just not the same.

Hopefully this WhoDunit will be solved soon. On the off chance the foot fetish fiend is into reading blogs: Come on, dude or dudette. You've had your fun. Just give the shoes back, no strings attached.

Let's face it, you'll never be able to fill those shoes, nor will you be able to walk a mile in them. It would be best to give them back before munchkin thugs find you and break your kneecaps.