Wednesdays with Maury

I've heard of couch potatoes. I think my cat Ringo is a couch potato curl.

One minute he's lounging normally, as in the picture to the left. But the next minute he "does the twist" (see photo below) and there isn't even a Chubby Checker song playing. He cranks the middle of his body around as if trying to transform himself into a feline pretzel.

You'd think a position like this would require a trip to the vet, or even cause paralysis and permanent confinement to a kitty wheelchair. But it's normal for Ringo. When he achieves his most "comfortable" position, he'll either snooze or just hang out. Sometimes he'll watch TV.

I've tried to broaden Ringo's horizons by reading some really great stuff by my favorite authors David Sedaris or Chuck Klosterman, but he's more into visual stimulation. I'm more Tuesdays With Morrie while Ringo is more Wednesdays with Maury - as in Maury Povich's TV show.

He solidified this belief Wednesday morning at 9:23, when he relentlessly rubbed up against me, nudging his head under my arms and hands, and meowed constantly until I was completely conscious. Normally, he'll let me sleep in a little longer, especially considering I only got to bed around 5 or 6 A.M.

But Ringo was on a mission. It seemed like something needed my urgent attention, like he wanted more food in his dish, a refill of his water glass, or his cat shitter cleaned out. As I was trying to decipher what he wanted to bring to my attention, he collapsed next to me and spun himself into a licorice twist. Then he gazed toward the TV and let out a really weird "meow" while yawning. It almost sounded like he had said "Meeaurrry!"

I looked up at the TV and saw Maury Povich. Apparently, Ringo wanted to watch Maury's most recent trainwreck. Although the TV was muted, I needed no volume for the show's topic to catch my attention: "You're the 13th man tested, are you my baby's Daddy?"

I turned up the volume and Ringo immediately started purring. The only thing that would have made him happier would have been to cook him up a little Kitty TV Dinner featuring fish sticks and a tasty catnip cherry cobbler for dessert.

I guess it's only natural he would be interested in people who cat around. Maury's special guests must have been in utter and complete "heat" because it sounds like every Tom, alley cat and stray were after those pussies.

The first guest was back on the show for the fourth time, bringing a sixth man-slut in to prove he was the father of her 2-year-old son. She was 200 percent sure he was the daddy. Coincindentally, her percentage that she was sure who the father was increased with each paternity test (thanks to flashbacks to past Maury shows).

"Maury, I'm 100 percent sure he's the father... I'm 120 percent sure this time... I'm 150 percent sure he's my baby's daddy!" she blabbed in the clips leading up to this episode. "It's different this time. This time I'm 200 percent sure I brought the right one!"

Wrong! Of course, he wasn't the father. Maury didn't even have to open the big-ass results envelope to tell us that. So now she has to go find a lucky seventh guy who might be her baby-daddy. Maybe she'll be 250 percent sure next time, since being two times 100 percent sure isn't sure enough. I've heard of playing the percentages, but this woman was out of control.

The only conclusion I came to was that she was 100 percent for sure a "Ho." Hell, who am I kidding? I was 200 percent sure!

The final part featured some hillbilly chick to have a 13th guy tested in hopes she would figure out who the father of her child was. Around the time of conception, maybe she was cruising guys at the Dunkin' Donuts to snare her fabulous baker's dozen boys.

Then again, it's possible she wasn't a total skank. Maybe Maury's paternity testers were just struggling with that tricky DNA what with all the inbreeding in the hills.

It was an amusing half hour, but watching 30 minutes of paternity testing was really draining. I spent 177 percent of the time laughing, 22 percent of the time asking the question "Are you fucking kidding me?", and 1 percent of the time feeling sorry for Connie Chung.

I needed another cat nap, so I put the remote control next to Ringo so he could watch whatever he wanted.

Ringo looked like he had seen enough, too. Maybe after that episode of Maury, he'll decide to stick with watching Tom & Jerry cartoon reruns and Animal Planet programming (he's a huge fan of shows featuring lions, tigers, jaguars, leopards, etc.). Then again, maybe he'll wake me up later for Jerry Springer.