Alice in Wonderland

The Rockette and I are both from North Dakota, so she was doing some pretty high kicks when she heard the news from Alice. The town, not some lady. She called me on a business trip to tell me the little speck 40 miles west of Fargo actually gave someone famous the keys to the "city" a couple of weeks ago.

Naturally, I assumed it had to be Linda Lavin. No, stow that idea.

Even better, give them to Ann B. Davis. She would bake two cakes for the town - one for if it gave her the keys to the city, and one if it changed its mind, told her to go fuck herself, and go bowling with Sam the butcher instead. The Rockette told me I was way off. It didn't make sense. What other Alice was there?

There's not even a need for keys to Alice. I'm sure all the doors are unlocked anyway. The only things in town are a grain elevator and a bar, but I suppose the keys to a city is still a pretty cool honor. Not to mention much needed publicity for tiny North Dakota towns like Alice, population 60.

I was out of Alice guesses, so The Rockette laid it on me. The keys to the city went to Alice Cooper. Whoa! That sounded crazier than Thompson giving its keys to the Thompson Twins, then screwing up the ceremony by making only two keys.

It's hard to picture old farm folk in overalls and John Deere hats, their eyes smeared with freaky black eye shadow, singing along to Cooper's "Poison" and "School's Out For Summer." I'd have an easier time believing Whitman gave its keys to Slim.

Then I remembered I was a country kid who liked listening to Motley Crue, Poison, KISS, Van Halen, and Firehouse. But I grew up in Bismarck. We couldn't very well give our keys to a jelly donut.

The Rockette told me an Alice city official was a fan and sent an email to Cooper - in Fargo for a concert - to see if he'd accept the keys to their hamlet. Cooper accepted and attracted over 1,000 fans to the ceremony in "downtown" Alice. So I guess Alice's gain was Cooperstown's loss.

This could open the floodgates for other North Dakota villages in need of a little boost to their economy. I'm surprised other towns haven't given this a whirl.

Maybe it's because the towns are named Leonard, Arthur, Harvey, Horace, and Sherwood. Not exactly the biggest names in music right now. Who's Flasher going to give its keys to? Some perv in a trenchcoat?

But some towns' names have musical ties. Taylor shouldn't settle for Taylor Dayne. Instead it should totally cash in on American Idol exposure by giving winner Taylor Hicks the keys to its city. Ray missed the boat on Ray Charles, but maybe Jamie Foxx could swing by and no one would notice.

Dwight might be able to score Yoakam. He'd probably be ready to make a beeline for the North Dakota state line given that The Rockette witnessed the Minneapolis Riverside Perkins refuse him service because they weren't open 24 hours. They wouldn't even give him a muffin to go.

I wonder why Manfred hasn't tried luring Manfred Mann or his Earth Band?

Crosby should give its keys to David Crosby. Sure Stills, Nash and possibly even Young will be all pissy because they weren't included, but Crosby could potentially offer to artificially inseminate the whole town and get that dwindling population thriving again.

I'd advise against St. Michael giving its keys to Michael Jackson for three reasons. First, he ain't no saint. Second, it would be impossible to assemble any Bahrainian boy harems in North Dakota. Third, St. Michael doesn't have a hotel let alone a balcony to dangle big plastic keys to the city from.

One thing's for sure: If Fleetwood Mac's Christine McVie is ever invited to Christine, N.D., I highly suggest she make sure that those keys are to the city and not a 1958 Plymouth Fury.

This post is dedicated to author and Spin Magazine writer Chuck Klosterman, a North Dakota farm kid who made it big writing essays about music and his life. I was lucky enough to work with Chuck for a short time at the Fargo Forum, and have always been a fan. I think it's about time Wyndmere changes its name to Chuck and gives him the keys.