What happened to all of them? Where are they now? Are the rumors true, or just part of breakfast Urban Legend? We need to go Behind The Cereal Box to get some answers...
Cap'N Crunch
The Cap'N has been on shore leave ever since that fateful night at the helm of the Quaker Valdeez when it ran aground in Alaska's Prince William Sound. Some say the Cap'N fell asleep at the wheel or had been drinking, others contend he was trying to break up a fight between the Crunchberry Beast and the Peanut Butter Elephant over who was his first mate.
We may never know what really led to the shipwreck, which ruptured the cargo hold and spilled 600 tons of Cap'N Crunch and Crunch Berries into the Bay of Alaksa. Miraculously, the cereal stayed crispy, making cleanup much easier than say, an oil spill. However, environmental groups were upset that local marine life - including seals, killer whales and sea otters - consumed too much of the spilled cereal, making the roofs of their mouths sore.
The Cap'N's heavy use of profanity when answering reporters' questions at the news conference further tarnished his image and overshadowed his apology.
"I don't get it," The Cap'N said. "I'm a sailor. We're supposed to swear!"
Since then, the Cap'N thwarted an attempted identity theft (remember the who's the real Cap'N campaign?), and recruitment by the Village People to replace one of the group's members.
"At first, I naturally assumed I'd be the sailor, the 'In the Navy' guy," Cap'N said. "But they wanted me to be the cowboy. They said they were on a time crunch and my hat was close enough. I told them to shove off!"
The Trix Rabbit
The Trix Rabbit bowed out of the public eye following the big Trix election scandal of 2000. It all started in 1976, as part of a promotional campaign coinciding with the presidential election of the same year. Trix encouraged breakfast eaters to vote if the Trix Rabbit should be allowed to eat a bowl of the cereal, or if it should remain exclusively for kids. The Rabbit nabbed 99 percent of the vote and was given a bowl of Trix. He asked for seconds, but was told by bitter bully kids to wait four years for the next election.
Then the losses piled up. All the campaigning in the world could not score the rabbit another bowl of Trix. The Rabbit's opposition slogan "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" just carried too much influence with voters.
With help of celebrity endorsements from Bugs Bunny and Roger Rabbit during the 2000 campaign, The Trix Rabbit received 51 percent of the popular vote. However, in the 1990s, a cereal electoral college was set up, and the Trix Rabbit had not carried enough states to win another bowl of his favorite breakfast.
Controversy erupted and many claimed the vote was rigged, possibly by Elmer Fudd, a known rabbit-hater. The ballots, found on the back of Trix cereal boxes, were supposed to be simple "Yay!" or "Nay!" checkboxes with dashed lines around them. This way they could be cut out and mailed into the General Mills offices in Minneapolis for easy counting.
However, the Trix cereal box ballots in Florida were apparently more complicated with a little more design flair and "punch card" balloting, potentially misleading kiddie voters into saying "Yay!" for the Rabbit when they actually wanted him to end his obsession with the cereal.
"Why does that Rabbit want Trix so bad?" one opposition mother asked. "I thought rabbits were only obsessed with sex and carrots!"
It took months for auditors to examine the Florida Trix ballots and inspect all the hanging chads. The resulting investigation and tax dollars spent on recounts didn't conclusively prove the Rabbit carried the state. However, his public image was forever tied to the scandalous election and a vote was not allowed again, resulting in continual denial by kids to share their Trix.
"With four rabbit's feet, you'd figure I'd have better luck," moped the Trix Rabbit, his ears hanging floppily alongside his head. "I'm through with those kids. Too many mindgames. I saw them feeding Trix to a goat once, and was like, hey you little pricks, what gives? If the goat gets some, I want some, too. Then they started giggling and said 'Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kidds.' Bastards!"
Although the Trix Rabbit still appears on the cereal box, he has given up his political pursuits for a budding career in magic. He hopes one day to be pulled out of a hat by David Copperfield.
Mr. Mini Wheat
Initially thought to only have a split personality - one side wheat and the other side sweet - Mr. Mini Wheat was diagnosed to have multiple personality disorder. He backs the finding by claiming to have a chocolate side that can turn the whitest milk brown, and even has a fruit-flavored side.
He posed for a recent box cover holding a Star Wars light sabre, demanding to be called Darth Frost. Thankfully, that personality didn't stick around as long as the movie.
"I've changed my name to Sybil, but the cereal company won't acknowledge it," he complained. "The name Mr. Mini Wheat no longer has any meaning to me."
Count Chocula
Count Chocula was one of two victims (the other - The Count of Sesame Street fame) at a charity event when Wesley Snipes accidentally murdered the lovable vampires as a publicity stunt for his upcoming Blade movie.
"I had no idea what the little brown and purple dudes were there for," Snipes testified at the trial in which he was acquitted of double homicide. "One just kept babbling about cereal and the other kept counting the cereal's marshmallows. I saw a wooden stake lying nearby and it just sort of happened."
Around the same time, other Monster Cereals met similar fates by cereal killers. A mob carrying pitchforks and torches chased poor Frankenberry to his doom; BooBerry was shown the light by a psychic and crossed over to the other side; and Yummy Mummy was put in a glass case and paraded around the country as a sideshow to the King Tut exhibit.
Quisp
This little guy is currently rumored to be at Area 51 north of Las Vegas in a tank of formaldehyde. Some conspiracy groups claim the government kidnapped Quisp so scientists could ascertain whether the propellor on his head is a part of a hat, or an actual alien appendage. Apparently, the project ran out of funding, so he's still sitting in his tank getting soggy.
Toucan Sam
This lovable bird has endured many false rumors over the years, including one that he was a cocaine addict due to his "follow your nose" slogan used in commercials.
The most recent birdshot has come from Jerry Falwell's group of religious censors, who have outed him along with Teletubby Tinky Winky and other muppets and mascots as being "gay." The Falwell group points to the rainbow color of Sam's bill and the fact that his cereal has the word "Froot" in it as the smoking guns to hidden homosexuality.
"Of course I have a rainbow bill, I'm a fucking Toucan!" Sam said. "Any basic birding book will tell them my bill's color isn't 'Nature's Gaydar.' I don't even want to hear what filth this cult is spreading about the innocent titmouse, blue-footed booby or pileated woodpecker.
"But most of all, I hope parents don't think eating Froot Loops will 'turn' their kids gay."
Sugar Bear
Many rumors had been circulating about the Sugar Bear, including one that he was dead and currently being used as a rug in the Honeycomb Hideout.
Well, the bear is not there. He resurfaced on the entertainment scene when he was spotted at BALCO labs with Barry Bonds, then outed as a steroid user in former Major League Baseball player Jose Canseco's hit book Juiced.
"Sugar Bear did kind of puff up in his later years, really filling out that sweater," Canseco said. "At the beginning, he was just eating a lot of Super Sugar Crisp and doing a lot of weight training. But then he started to worry he was losing a step to the other big animal cereal mascots like Tony the Tiger."
Sugar Bear started asking around the gym if there were alternative methods to staying strong besides sugar-coated puffed wheat cereal. That's when Canseco told him he needed to get on "the juice."
"At first he thought I meant he should be drinking orange juice with his cereal," Canseco laughed. "But then Mark McGwire, Sugar Bear and I all shot each other up in the Post locker room before a charity softball game against Kellogg's. We kicked their asses 17-2. Sugar Bear went 5 for 5 with 3 home runs."
Cookie Crisp Thief
At first, the Cookie Crisp Thief's attempts to steal Cookie Crisp cereal were viewed as silly, sometimes even adorable. This led him down a dark road of crime that has landed him in jail for a 17th time.
His latest stint in prison is a result of trying to shake down someone for, you guessed it, some Cookie Crisp cereal. But he also was convicted of making terroristic threats, telling one terrified family if they didn't pony up the cereal, he "would make the Cookie Crisp Wizard disappear."
He has been seen on the TV show COPS three times, each time busted prowling in an unsuspecting family's kitchen, ransacking their cereal cabinet. Despite his attempts to escape, he is always tackled by authorities and hauled away drunk and shirtless with cookie cereal crumbs stuck to his chest hair.
Despite his "bad boy" image that tends to sell, Nestle decided to drop the Cookie Crisp Thief from the cereal's box cover.
Cornelius, the Corn Flakes rooster
This barnyard bird was probably more known for his commercial voice crowing than his image. Still, he has graced the Corn Flakes cereal box for decades. But the banty rooster has lost much of his cockiness and refuses to pose for an updated cover shot.
"Cornelius was pecked beyond recognition in a cockfight last year," his promoter Colonel Sanders said. "I've raised and trained a lot of chickens, and despite this setback, he's still worthy to be sprinkled in all eleven of my herbs and spices, then broasted. I didn't have the heart to do that when we can cash in on a rematch. But if he loses again, he'll be washed up, then plucked and will be moving from the cover of that cereal box to the inside of a KFC bucket to go."
The Apple Jacks Kids
This pair of youngsters were missing for years despite being on the front of Apple Jacks cereal boxes.
The cruel irony is that while the nation focused on the sides of milk cartons to try and find missing children, the Apple Jacks kids were always overlooked on the front of the cereal box sitting right next to the friggin' milk jug.
"All me and Jill did was go up the hill for a bucket of water," Jack said. "The next thing you know, we're forced into slave modeling labor for cereal box covers. It could have been worse, though. At least we didn't have to work in the Kathie Lee Giffordesque sweatshop to make cereal box prizes. I heard that really sucks."
To be continued - Stay tuned for Behind The Cereal Box, Part Two coming soon to a blog near you!
1 comment:
ROFLMAO, but shamefully so. I had no idea we were responsible for the downfall of the Trix rabbit's lack of getting to eat a bowl of the good stuff. Damn Florida.
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