Fair and Partly Cloudy

The Minnesota State Fair always marvels me at how many different foods can be served on a stick. The Fair vendors have proved that stick food shouldn't be exclusive to corn dogs and ice cream bars, putting everything from pork chops to twinkies on a stick. Even hotdish (with cream of mushroom soup dipping sauce) was on the stick menu this year!

I'm still waiting for my ultimate food on a stick: The Old Country Buffet on a yardstick. I have no doubt it would cost $99, but I'd probably still buy it to try it.

I was accompanied by The Rockette, who goes by the handle My Fair Lady this time of year. Our first stop was the animal barns, where she got a great pic of this pig enjoying a tasty treat from what appears to be some sort of beer bong. No wonder brats, bacon, pork chops and sausage all taste so damn good!

This display quickly caught my eye as we walked further into the swine barn. A sign boasted of the winner of the "Minnesota's largest boar contest."

Granted, this 1,040-pound specimen named Corn Dog was no little piggy. However, I do distinctly remember an argument about 10 years ago, when Mom told Dad he was the "biggest boar in Minnesota." So fair officials may have to prove to Mom what the rules are here. If it is simply referring to the heaviest male pig, that's one thing. But she was pretty convinced Dad was the "biggest boar" back then. Hopefully she's forgiven Dad by now or she might even allow the fair to throw him in a pen for a few days.

My Fair Lady snapped this beautiful shot of a billy goat in mid chew. He was pretty vocal, and sounded just like Jim Brewer from Saturday Night Live.

But life at the fair has taken its toll. All the bright lights and attention forced him to spiral down a black hole. As you can see in the background, this billy goat is a total addict, a hay crack whore.

At first, I thought this may have been Mother Goose serving time behind bars ala Martha Stewart for insider trading of golden eggs.

Instead, it ended up being the AFLAC mascot, who was put in the slammer for insurance fraud. Seems he was replacing windshields of cars he shit on for free to avoid multiple small claims court cases.

There were no Trix nearby, so I figured it was safe to assume this rabbit was probably detained by Comcast cable company and all the satellite dish networks.

With ears like his, all you'd have to do is put Mr. Rabbit on top of your TV and run a coaxil cable up his ass. Next thing you know, you'd have 812 channels for the cost of a few bags of carrots each month. It's the secret they don't want getting out.

The highlight of this year's trip was that I actually talked My Fair Lady into attending a freak show. These used to be at the Minnesota State Fair back in the 1980s and featured the likes of Lobster Boy, a legit circus sideshow act.

I was totally lured in by the Worlds of Wonder stage barker bragging they had the last living munchkin from the Wizard of Oz on stage. He was a very elderly little person and his voice sounded like he had been making out with a helium balloon machine, so they had me hook, line and sinker to cough up $9 for My Fair Lady and I to enter the curiousity tent.

Times have changed. The advertising bragged of seeing acts like the Electro Girl, Cobra Girl, a four-legged woman and a live woman with no head. It was all a load of crap.

Maybe it would have been more believable if they had changed girls playing the parts more often. When Electro Girl appeared a minute later as Spidora, it takes some of the fun out of it. Spidora had the head of a real woman, but the body was a obviously stuffed animal. Despite my disappointment, I still wanted to sleep with her (I think because she was half stuffed animal, not for freaky spider sex).

But there were a couple of legit acts, including a tiny contortionist who serpentined her way around a box riddled with saw blades. The barker said "anyone who wants to see proof that a contortionist isn't just a woman who can wrap her ankles around her ears, pay $1 for a closer look." I paid the buck with about 50 other men, all of us knowing no matter what we saw in that box, we would still view contortionists as women who can wrap their ankles around their ears.

There was a real sword swallower that was worth the price of admission. She really did swallow a 2-foot long blade, prompting the teenage hormone next to me to say "I'll give her something to swallow."

"Yeah, but I doubt she's going to feel it in the pit of her stomach like that sword," I told him. "And I also doubt she'll ask a volunteer from the crowd to pull you back out."

Having completely entertained and embarrassed My Fair Lady for another year, it was time to go. On the way out, we walked by a free ride called "The Great Safety Adventure." We didn't go on it, but it was all about educating kids about safety and being super safe.

It was presented by Lowe's, so I imagine it warns kids to not staple their nuts to drywall or drill new assholes in their siblings with power tools. We didn't go in for a closer look, but did have the person taking tickets scratching his head why this safety attraction was so funny.