Monday, December 24, 2007

Misfit Toys for 2007

I hope Santa brings you something nice tonight.

Whether you were good or bad maybe one of these will be under your Christmas tree in the morning...

MATTEL FINGER PAINTING KIT - Hey, they had to do something with all of that leftover lead paint. No recall necessary on this one, folks. The proper precautions are already in place - each kit includes a mini haz-mat suit that fits all sizes under age 8.

POLLY POCKET POOL - What a rip-off! It's just some finger-tip chalk and instructions on how to hit your balls from your side pockets.

C'mon - like we little boys need any inspiration to play with ourselves!

NINTENDO Wii Wii - In this controversial new "shooter" game, Nintendo tries to zero in on the potty-training demographic by making its television target a virtual toilet. Docks points for pissing on the rim, bathroom walls, or in the wastebasket. Bonus points for shaking when finished. Guest stars Mario as the Tidy Bowl Man.

COUGAR GIRLS - This new line ages the Cheetah Girls by 30 years to give inspiration and tips to Cougars. Song and dance videos and dolls help the Cougars bag those Disneyesque pretty boys who are in their 20s, but act and look like they are teen-agers. You go, grrrls!

NERF MEDICINE BALL - If a Nerf football with spiral wings and an odometer blew you away, wait until you lift this squishy 17-pound orb. Train with this for a few weeks and you'll be slinging those Nerf footballs like Peyton Manning, dunking Nerfhoop like LeBron James, and launching Nerf rockets like you're a North Korean dictator!

FRENCH TICKLE ME ELMO - Don't worry, this is not a sex doll or anything. Although he is ribbed for your pleasure, there are no glory holes for The Count to tally here. Just an ill-advised play on words because this Elmo version is rude, speaks French, and smells like he hasn't taken a muppet shower in weeks.

GRADE SCHOOL MUSICAL - Trying to cash in on all the rage, this "prequel" features its entire soundtrack played on recorders. Hearing those kids toot out hits like "BINGO," "Camptown Races," "Frere Jacques," "Mary Had A Little Lamb," and "This Old Man" will make you finally remove Zamfir from your music rotation.

LEGO MY EGGO - You think making real waffles is a pain in the ass? Try this new cross-over toy experiment from LEGO and the breakfast barons. All of those extra pieces are actually waffle run-off, so don't drive yourself nuts for 13 hours trying to figure out what you did wrong. (I thought I was clever with this, but believe it or not, this shit is REAL!)

THOMAS THE TRAINWRECK - Thomas has been chugging along for years, but what if he hooked up with bad girls Gina Gas Tanker and Box Car Bertha. That jump to the wrong side of the tracks results in Thomas the Trainwreck, which is essentially the animated railroad version of the Spears family.

TRANSGENDER TRANSFORMERS -The Queer Eye guys and Tim Gunn design an exciting new line that turns toys from a manly monster semi truck with a huge stick shift into the Barbie Hot Tub Party Bus with just a few twists and turns. Sound the horn on the truck and it honks the theme from "The Crying Game."

BITCH & MOAN LEARNING KITCHEN - This toy is a sequel to Fisher-Price's popular Laugh and Learn Kitchen, which is supposed to brainwash your kids into thinking housework is fun (much like the toy vacuum cleaner, one of the suckiest toys ever). The Bitch & Moan 2-in-1 Learning Kitchen teaches the little ones early how to bitch and moan about whether the dishwasher has been loaded or unloaded, if the garbage has been taken out, or why there is beer in the smiley fridge's vegetable crisper drawer.

UKULELE HERO - So you've conquered Slash in Guitar Hero Legends of Rock and think you're the shit when it comes to video game guitar riffs? Try beating this game, beeyotch.
Better give yourself at least a year to master Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe Through The Tulips."


Anonymous said...


I got nothing else to say on the matter!

I hope you and the Missus had a wonderful Christmas and have a happy and healthy New Year!!!

Loy said...

Great post! I nearly busted a gut laughing so hard.


David Amulet said...

Excellent. I'm sure Larry Craig is all over your Elmo and Transformers ...

-- david

John Neighbors said...

Ach! Hilarious.

warcrygirl said...

HAHAHAHA!!!! Cougar Girls, man I'll need that if I ever lose any of this weight. I could totally be a cougar.

:P fuzzbox said...

Awesome Post my man.